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It’s kind of frightening to know that my beloved aunt is suicidal ;( I wish I could do more for her. It sucks that so much of her life is in shambles and she’s dealing with mental illness. Is there anything I can do for her? I don’t know other than being there for her.

So I asked my doctor what type I am..and I’m Bipolar Type 2.

Yeah -____________- I’m happy to know what type I am. 

So Yesterday

So yesterday I was talking to a friend over facebook and basically the whole convo started on a previous status where I listed as fact that the past made me sad sometimes. And from there, we conversed about I should just “let it go” and I insisted that I merely was thinking (I think as long as I don’t stay in the past, I should be fine) but she didn’t see it like that. Also I hurt some dear friends in the past and wanted to fix that.

Anyhow, yesterday she basically restated the same thing saying “I shouldn’t live in the past.” I’m not but I told her that the past is hard to leave behind because it manifested into my bipolar disorder. Genetics/environment/past etc; all played a role in me getting bipolar disorder.

Anyhow, the meat of the story was that all I had to do was “let go of the past” and I’d be cured of my bipolar disorder. Of course she mentioned that she didn’t believe in drugs to treat any kind of mental illness and of course she lectures me about it saying if I just let go, I’ll be cured.

I assured her not.

And that I needed my medicine. Some people don’t but I do. I can’t function without my medication and I’ll end up hurting myself again. My quality of life has gotten so much better since I’ve been on medication.

I know she meant well..but the ignorance still astounds me.

I told her what I had was incurable and a life long affliction but I don’t think that registered. I don’t want my medicine taken away..I think I’ll die if that happens. It’s just her line of thinking made me cringe. It was so hard to be civil towards her because I felt angry.

The past made me who I am and because of the past, I still have unresolved issues that can’t be treated in any way. Therapy won’t help. I’m beyond that help. It’s too ingrained in me for it to ever go away and besides if you’re treated like shit most of your life, you start believing it.

Because of the past, I still carry some hurt because it’s hard to forgive those people that I love of hurting me. Is that so wrong? Is it so bad? But I’m doing what I can to live in the present. Heck, I’m moving to my own place in July away from my horrid inlaws and away from the negativity and I’ll be getting married in a few years to my  fiance.

Still, I think as long as I don’t live in the past, I’m okay. I’ve accepted that a lot of it was bad/horrible/terrible and the present keeps me going because I actually might be happy. But to be told that I can be “cured” if I let go is silly. I can’t be cured, I can only manage my disorder and hope that every day is amazing for me.

To me my past caught up to me and I’m paying for it with my bipolar disorder.  It’s never to go away but rather than scorn it, I’ve accepted it. My past is part of my life whether I want it or not.

Yeah, had to get that off my chest.

My medicine has been changed again. I’m taking Abilify instead of Risperdal to avoid a unfortunate common side effect that leaves me quite embarrassed. And my Buspar has been upped. I’m taking it twice instead of once. Hopefully it helps my anxiety.

Some guy is so ignorant on facebook. Suicide isn’t a sign of personal weakness. It’s because of that attitude that sufferers feel horrible and won’t get help. 

Argh such ignorance! And then he precedes to insult me by saying “screw you” and say I KNOW nothing even though I’ve attempted and I’m suffering from mental illness. Not to mention dispelling that suicide and mental illness don’t go together.

Then he tries to lecture me even after insulting me so I told him he should follow his own advice. 

And I am slowly getting used to Seroquel,though I believe that I should be taken down to 50 mg…I still hate that zombie feeling and it is too strong at 100mg, at least for me.

I’m taking my anti depressant but the thing is…I’m not depressed in the slightest and I know it takes some time to kick in but can I really guess how I’ll react to it?

I’m supposed to up the dosage to about 75mg on the 10th so I can’t wait for that. Yeah.

I really just feel the same minus what my anti psychotic does for me (anxiety way low and maybe nonexistent. I was even calm during a Friday night at a restaurant and that is a big deal).

I’m still a bit manic though I have to call up my pharmacy and see what I can take for pain/cold/allergy relief. I still hate talking on the phone :-(

So, I ended up talking big time with my mother in law. Apparently, my brother in law and his family are coming back here at the end of the month, because they aren’t renewing their lease and they are staying here for a bit until they can get a house. I’m not too happy about that but my mother in law wants me to act like a family towards them because she did remind me that she let me stay here despite me being a risk to everyone here (being bipolar is a risk and I don’t disagree with that honestly) and me just suddenly moving in without any real warning.

That wasn’t my cause but a bad circumstance and my dad being a douche head and that is understandable. I understand me living here hasn’t been easy but then again, I’ve been going through some tough shit internally and I’m sorry to say, I haven’t been well behaved myself.

Though I did mention how I know they don’t like me much and seeing how I am my fiance’s fiance, it doesn’t go over really well but it is what it is.

Also, my anxiety is terrible and having that many people around with three small children is disaster. I don’t think I’ll be able to do anything and it sucks that most of the house is so stuffed with useless shit from my inlaws’ failed businesses. 

Hopefully that gets taken care of ;/ 

Though she touched upon my bipolar disorder and called it a curse even if she does advocate medicine, therapy etc; she still believes that god will cure it all. I disagree with that statement and I think I talked to her for a good 30 minutes and I know because my show Downton Abbey was nearly finished by the time I came back up stairs.

I did mention that I am going to help out when I get better, hell, I gave all the money I had to help out Jose just because he has helped me out/supported me for the longest time.

Yesterday on the 10th was amazing and fun. My favorite person in the world came over around 12. We watched a dutch movie called: Everybody’s Famous and what a hilarious movie it was. 

Then it was off to walmart to get a few things and uno cards; and those few things proved to be uno cards, a nice cup and Valentine stuff for Jose. 

Then it was off to the library before the power mysteriously turned off and we got back to my house and lo and behold, no lights or power at all, so we used candles and played mean but fun games of uno.

We then hung out for more until Jose came home from work around 12 am. 

I just had an amazing day with her ;D